Creature - Half Alive

scripture and prayer reflection

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Lyrics

Look inside of me and see that I am not afraid

To walk inside the void like a kid inside a cave

Discovering the patterns of my soul and where it's placed

I've been mapping many caverns but it still feels like a maze

I know I'm made of clay that's worn

Blighted by imperfect form

But I will trust the artist molding me

I am creation, both haunted and holy

Made in glory

Even the depths of the night cannot blind me

When You guide me, creature only

Look inside my heart and find a perilous ravine

Carved within the beauty, the darkness in between

Standing in the balance of complete and incomplete

I identify the echo of what is and what will be

I know I'm made of clay that's worn

Blighted by imperfect form

But I will trust the artist molding me

In a room that's growing dim

Illuminated from within

The pull of tension's empathy

I am creation, both haunted and holy

Made in glory

Even the depths of the night cannot blind me

When You guide me, oh

I am creation, both haunted and holy

Made in glory

Even the depths of the night cannot blind

'Cause what comes

Creature only

Creature only

Growing through the creature here

I'm trying to see when it's unclear

Hidden in the space between

Hero and the enemy

Early days and sleepless nights

Death and resurrection, life

My body is a sacred note

Sung between the flesh and hope

My dirt transformed within a breath

Before I took a single step

I'm looking forward to the day

When life can grow without decay

Humanity is not alone

When Jesus Christ sits on the throne

These hidden mirrors expose the mess

The selfish turns to selflessness

Haunted by a darker side

Transcends to walking in the light

And slowly I'm recovering

The beauty of discovering

Psalm 139:1-14, 23-24

1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

3 You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

5 You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,”

12 even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!

1 John 1:8-9

8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Psalm 103:8-14

8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

9 He will not always chide,

nor will he keep his anger forever.

10 He does not deal with us according to our sins,

nor repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,

so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

13 As a father shows compassion to his children,

so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

14 For he knows our frame;

he remembers that we are dust.

Reflection

There is something uncomfortable in following Jesus — the longer we walk with Him, the more we see the depths and subtlety of our own sin. It’s not as though our sinful condition worsens as we walk with Christ; rather, we become increasingly aware of the deep-rooted, less obvious things that have always been there, lurking quietly beneath the surface.

The experience of being confronted by our own sin can be painful, particularly when we are surprised by sin we had not noticed before or expected. The shock and disappointment we experience with ourselves and the pinch of not being as good as we thought we were can cause us deep distress, but on the other side of distress there is freedom to be found in honesty.

God has known all along what was lurking in our hearts. As the psalmist reflects, He knows everything about us — far, far better than we know ourselves. In fact, He is the one who draws our attention to notice what we hitherto have ignored or overlooked. It is His hand that is stirring our hearts to long for wholeness and righteousness in the midst of our guilt and shame.

The songwriter uses the image of God working with us like clay in His hands, using our experiences to slowly shape us in order to mold us into what He has designed us to be. It is His choice how to mold us, what to fashion us into. This is a gradual process — much slower than any of us would like — but because we are in Christ, we don’t need to worry about being good enough on our own. We are already accepted, wanted, loved, redeemed. Our striving toward Christlikeness is effort poured out in freedom because our end is already sure and secure. There is grace upon grace as we cooperate with His Spirit at work in us.

And with that abounding grace we can face the frightening realities of our heart with courage, knowing that nothing we find there will be able to separate us from God’s love in Christ (Rom 8:38-39). Moments of painful self-awareness can become invitations to be with God in whatever we find within, to run to Him in repentance in the midst of the struggle. The point of becoming more aware isn’t for discovery’s sake, but in order to interact with God in deeper honesty. We can hold the glory of our being God’s image-bearers alongside the haunting grief of the brokenness and rebellion in our ongoing fight against sin. And we can ask with the psalmist for God to reveal our heart to us, to grow our understanding of and gratitude for the depth of His grace as our understanding of the depth of our sin expands.

Take time to pray Psalm 139:23-24, asking God to reveal sinful motives in your heart, and to lead you by His Spirit. Let yourself feel the weight of being a sinful, broken creature who has rebelled against a holy and loving Creator. But also hold alongside that the glory of God’s redemption and His persistence in restoring you to be not only His image-bearer, but His beloved child. If you’re feeling weighed down by guilt or shame, meditate on God’s attitude toward you as expressed in Psalm 103.